I Started to Pray

So tonight I broke down and I started to pray that the Lord would make these feelings go far far away. This awareness it hit me like the thunder of an oncoming storm, it was nothing like I had ever felt before. I tried to attribute it to this emotional roller coaster ride I call life, but alas it was a false place for its explanation to abide. So I got on my knees and I started to pray, rather I began to recount how far I had strayed. I looked back on my life, accounting it’s worth and came to the grand total of nil, nothing, dirt. Yet worse then that was the emptiness I felt, the pain ridden person no one could see, the person that was truly me. The times I had debated was it worth it to go to bed that night or would it be better for me if I ended it? As long as I was out of sight? These thoughts swarmed my head and began to make the day look like midnight. Could I really say that I had come so far? Can growth really be measured in counting your scars? Is the number of blunders that I can recount make me even question the answer to my doubt ?

So tonight I broke down and I started to pray. I went out to nature and began this way. “Lord I don’t know where I am supposed to go I don’t even know where I was supposed to have been. Do you see me, could you even be proud?” But the answer I perceived was only a frown. I set there and cried pouring out my heart and soul trying to fill this voiding black hole. I cried out for answers and I explained all my pain as I set there outside and started to pray.I told him I knew that my life wasn’t right that it was actually quite a pitiful sight. I wept out my longings and as I gasped for air, my heartaches  beset me and I fell through the air. The only cry I could muster was the sound of my breaths forced escape as my soul hit the ground of its sewers grate. Lord what has happened to my precious life? The years have passed by and I am still filled with strife. I don’t know where I am going or who I will meet but I am so tired of waiting because all I do is think. Think of the future, think of my mate, worry constantly of the things I cannot regulate. God I need to know, I need to hear so clearly the person I am supposed to be. Please God, oh please hear the cries of my heart. As I break down tonight and I have started to pray please, oh please Lord show me your way!